Chasing Grace

Not long ago, I began hearing this little voice in my head pleading, I just want to be who I am. It struck me as odd. I would hear this upon waking in the morning some days, during a quiet moment on my lunch break, or walking to and from work. Sometimes while simply gazing out a window for a moment of reflection, this little voice would insist, I need to be who I really am!

I shrugged it off. I busied myself with my job, housework, eating and sleeping. I’d bury my nose in a book whenever I had nothing else to do. But then events took an unexpected turn. Out of nowhere my boss became abusive and unreasonable. My happy job transformed into a nightmare overnight. The bar came down and the roller coaster sped along the track. Now that the ride is over, I find myself out of work, trying to start a business of my own and coming up with ways to keep the cash flowing in the meantime.

But, while doing what is necessary to pay the bills and eat, I also suddenly had time to do the things that I need to be happy. I now have time to write, to meditate, to cook and make things. I have time to go hiking, exploring or play games in the afternoon. I can take a nap when I need to. It’s going to take some adjusting and some effort, but I believe Paul and I can craft a life that will allow us to be happy and still have the money we need to live. The only obstacle I’ve encountered is in my own mind. It doesn’t feel right, because This Isn’t How It’s Supposed To Be Done.

But the thing is, the little voice has stopped. Apparently that need has been filled. I believe I am now on my own authentic path, and I just have to figure out how to stay on it, and see it through.

I need to let go of the idea that my life needs to make sense to my perceptions of other people. You know what I mean, that audience you carry around in your head. Your parents, siblings, teachers, pastors and many of your peers. The things they say, the choices they make are forever causing you to question whether what you’re doing is Right… if what you believe is True. Maybe that little voice I heard was my heart talking back to that ‘audience’. Maybe I’m learning to live without thinking I need to be judged by an ‘audience’ in the first place.

Do I need to attempt to ‘be myself’ within a context of other’s approval, perceived or otherwise? I’ve been reading a book called Sometimes Enough is Enough by Marsha Sinetar. She writes,

Whoever is summoned to a deeply spiritual life is rounded out by actualizing that call to be fully who they are. That’s an infinite progression. In time, with persistent contemplative experience, we relinquish our socially-programmed conduct for a vibrant authenticity. That may mean we [among other things] sacrifice ’safe’ or acceptable routes of accomplishment in favor of those that may be more demanding, risk-laden, ethical or honest, illogical, unpopular or unreasonable

I’ve speculated before that the bizarre turn of events at my former job were the universe’s way of getting me off my butt and on a healthier spiritual path. I’m beginning to believe this is true, and lately I have been feeling truly grateful. I give thanks every day for the opportunity to remake my life in a my satisfying, spiritual way. I also ask for guidance so that I may do it successfully.