Hardwired into my psyche is a deep-rooted stubbornness coupled with a tendency to rebel at the slightest provocation. This is something I’ve known to be true for as far back as I can remember.
To put it simply, if I perceive that you are trying to ‘get me’ to do something, or are trying to manipulate me into doing something, I will do everything in my power to not do it. This can be particularly troublesome if it is something I know I should do, or worse, already want to do. Because then I won’t be able to do it without a herculean effort to overcome my innate behavior.
To compound all this foolishness, I think I’m getting nothing done these days because of this tendency. I think I’ve got myself stuck in a negative feedback loop of resisting things I normally enjoy and want to do because I think I have to. Yes, because I’m resisting myself now.
I must be crazy. I certainly sound crazy.
Honestly, I think it’s because I can’t get out of the house. I can’t walk very far without my feet screaming at me, I can’t drive (and don’t have a car anyway), and the weather has not been good for walking anyway. I’m stuck at home, and becoming my own worst enemy.
Once the weather gets a bit warmer and easier, and I can get outside more, I’ll start getting ‘away from myself’ and maybe I’ll stop being such a psychopath. Thank goodness spring is almost here.
Oh yes, I so identify with this! I can remember refusing for ages to go see films I’ve later loved, because someone said to me “Oh, you MUST go and see this, you’ll really enjoy it.”
Anyway, here’s to spring!
Ah yes…the inner rebel. I know her well! I have denied myself things that I really wanted to do simply because someone else also wanted or expected me to do it! Perhaps I just don’t want to be predictable? I don’t want someone to say after the fact “I KNEW she would do/say/get such-and-such!” Then again, maybe I’m just crazy!:) The rebel is most likely a saboteur.
It’s encouraging to discover I’m not the only one with the ‘inner rebel’. So maybe I’m not as crazy as I thought. Or maybe the three of us are raving mad.
Well, if so, at least I’m in good company.